The Extravasation of Trump and Why Common Sense Should Be the Perfect Tourniquet

I started writing and telling jokes about six months ago. As a new comic with virtually no experience it was suggested to me that I pay attention to the news. This couldn’t possibly have been my teacher’s way of telling me that I was practically clueless when it came to what was happening in the world. How could she have known that already? We had just met!

I have heard people say that they have a thirst for knowledge. They want to learn as much as they can. There was a time when I was one of those people, but after I gave my heart and soul to medicine there seemed to be not much else of interest to me. After years of training and studying I became very comfortable inside my warm cocoon of diagnoses, surgeries and pharmaceuticals. So when I was told to pay attention to science of the political-type, I resigned myself into thinking that there was just too much catching up to do. Too much time had passed. Too much had happened. There was too much reading and too much studying involved. Catching up on Game of Thrones just seemed much more reasonable and, given our current state of affairs, much less depressing (thankfully the Jon Snow thing is looking up).

“It’s for the jokes.” Well, if it’s for the jokes….

Admittedly, other than knowing a few things here and there, my political expertise barely went beyond understanding that there were three branches of government: legislative, judicial, and..what was the third one again? Oh, right. Executive. And let’s be honest. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or political scientist) to know that we are facing some challenges with all three.

That last branch, though, seems to be the most frightening at the moment. And while on my search for joke ideas and witty comparisons I have had to work at making sense of certain things. I actually have done some reading and studying and it’s been very good for me (and the jokes).

One thing , however, has been very obvious from the beginning: There is NO PLACE in the White House for Donald Trump. Yes. I meant the CAPs. Honestly, people, do we really want a person who insults something as important as a presidential debate by turning it into his own personal HSN channel to be the leader of the free world?

Fans of Trump have tried to convince me to think along their lines. Even though I couldn’t fathom it, I tried to be open-minded. I listened to what they had to say. I attempted to make sense of things. I also tried to share my own views, but Trump-supporters are a tough audience. They are often not as willing to hear another side, which actually makes sense, since they’re not encouraged to speak out against their Fuhrer.

Recently someone referred to me as “a left-winged, liberal, feminist, angry woman.” I’m so glad that he felt like he knew the real me. Especially the angry-woman part (What can I say? I’m still single). Something tells me that this person has never felt the Bern. But I digress. Like I said, I may not know much about politics, but I am a human being and, yes, I also happen to have lady-parts. Oh, and also a soul. And those are just some very fundamental, non-partisan (see, Mom? I used a fancy, political word) reasons why I can not support or understand why anyone would support Trump.

So many brilliant and talented men and women, through various mediums, have made it their intentions to help open our eyes and our mouths to the matter at hand (Samantha Bee, will you please make your show a nightly thing?) But maybe the context gets lost in the obscurity of the jokes. Maybe people are speaking in a language us lay-people don’t understand. But as a woman, and a human, I don’t need a dictionary or Wikipedia to understand that the things Trump has said are reprehensible and chock full of hate. And for the sake of those who might not be able to read between the lines of a joke or parody or have become entranced by Trump’s rhetoric:


Here is just a small list of Trump quotes for your reading pleasure. Or pain. Verbatim. No witty banter. No punchlines. And none of them are funny, but please enjoy the commentary, if you will. Clearly he never learned the “if-you-don’t-have-anything-nice-to-say-don’t-say-anything-at-all” thing. And for all you non-feminists, I threw in a few quotes just for you. He doesn’t care about you people either.

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” Yes. Because clearly this is all that matters

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” They must have just really wanted the job. That’s just how us women roll.

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” Then perhaps I can suggest a more upscale hair salon?

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York — we need global warming!” Or you could just wear your Trump University fleece hoodie in the meantime.

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” I think that comment gives you a rating of 11/10 on the creepy scale.

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” Documented? Where? On the chart at your urologist’s office?

“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” Thank goodness. I was worried there for not one second that it was.

“I’m a tremendous believer in education.” Which seems good, except that everything else is also tremendous. Or Yuge. Or terrific. Or. Oh, sorry, I ran out of words Trump says.

“The Environmental Protection Agency is an impediment to both growth and jobs.” So screw that whole environment “thing”

“We are going to cut the Department of Education.” I guess we’re screwing that whole education-of-our-citizens “thing”, too.

“The current state of the Department of Veteran Affairs is absolutely unacceptable.” Is anything in it’s current state, other than the ease with which people can get guns, not unacceptable to you?

“These are people that shouldn’t be in our country. They flow in like water.” Oh, didn’t you mean like the brown, fecal-like paramecia floating in the water?

And I’ll leave you with this gem:

“Women. You have to treat them like shit.” I guess disliking that one makes me a left-winged, liberal, feminist, angry woman. If that’s the case, I’ll wear that badge of honor like die hard Donald supporters wear their Trump-stumps.

There is no denying that Trump has elevated the heartbeat of this election. He knows how to get you excited. He knows how to raise your pressure. He knows how to scare you into believing in him. And as the blood of his rhetoric continues to seep through every part of our nation and around the world, we the people have to take responsibility and we need to stop it now. Because as we say in medicine (whether you do anything about it or not), all bleeding stops eventually.

I don’t know if I would have ever started paying attention to the news or learned anything about politics had I not started schlepping down comedy boulevard. And what a schlep it is! I don’t know exactly how we can fix our many problems. I think I probably would have been content with going about my life, in my own little world, fixing hernias with mesh and erectile dysfunction with penile implants. (Because I just want to make a difference) But I do know this. I don’t need an advanced education or a fancy newspaper subscription to understand that the kind of person who says, or even thinks, the things Trump says, is anything but presidential.

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